I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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