I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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