i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
