I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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