Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My bed smells like the plague
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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