Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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