So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
