friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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