I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
