Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
