Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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