There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
