My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
