dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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