Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
