I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
