A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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