I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
