from now on my penis is your penis
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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