Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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