went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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