Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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