My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
