i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
