I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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