is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
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does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
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she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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