I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
