We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
