operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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