i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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