She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
