I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
