You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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