gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
