I haven't been this sober since birth.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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