i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
