All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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