watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you will always have a special place in my vag
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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