I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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