I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
