Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
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i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
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I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"