WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date