Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
