Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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