this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
