You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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