If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
