ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
