Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
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Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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