Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
