I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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