You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
