I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
