My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
