if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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