im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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