I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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