He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
