mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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