my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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