woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize