Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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