sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
